The BAD Action Movies
What makes a Action Movie Bad?Mainly a lack of Action | Knowing you would not watch it again | Not living up to the promise of the material
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CRANK: High Voltage
(17
Apr 2009)
Honestly, if you ever wondered . . . What goes on inside
a guy's head, their answer was a look inside his pants! It was a live version of a bad video game. That's
probably what they intended. Like Tarantino's Pulp Fiction, how can you fault
it when they're aiming low and hitting the mark? If there was any actress
who could play a sleazy
stripper missing from this one, it was probably because she ended up on
the cutting room floor (overkill).
The beginning was cool in a video-game way. Gory death around each corner for whoever came up against Chev Chelios, and then it went south, literally, when he sticks a shotgun up a guy's butt. Need I say more about the film's maturity level or content? Yeah, I do. I paid to see it, so I get to . . .
I really like Jason Statham and the fact that he did all his own stunts in the first movie. If he's having fun and getting paid, can it be all bad? Yeah, it can. I didn't ask for my money back and I stayed right through the end of the credits to see the outtakes, etc., but it's just kinda sad that this is what grown men think is entertainment: violence combined with ugly naked skanks, porn, and sex in public. (Must have been their list of "What gives me a boner?") The one really out of place scene was when Chev and Eve, clothed (!), kiss with a rainbow starburst behind them. Imagine that! Grown men with a 7th-grade-level sexual immaturity have a 5th grade idea of love. Sweet. Sad. Scary.
Their idea of being clever included: a nod to Japanese culture
with a Godzilla homage where a giant Chev fights it
out with the bad guy knocking over electrical towers, a nod to their (all guys)
obvious love of Full Metal Jacket's
"Me so horny" girls, giving Corey Haim
and Geri Halliwell a job, and the use of a Billy Squier
song. All of those weren't enough to redeem this movie for me. Not
even an appearance by David
Carradine helped—it was just sad to see him sink to the level of playing Poon Dong.
Yeah, that's the character's name. Even sadder that it was his
last role. And I guess it was just easy money for singer
Dwight Yoakam—who was actually good in Hollywood Homicide—to
just do the same role again as he did in Crank, just
sloppier and stupider. Why Dwight? Get over being bald and
short. You're an awesome singer! (By the way, this photo on the
left, a man who gets to this stage in how he treats women is
probably just a step away from killing them.) The only thing
gross thing missing was for a
lump of shit to be
stuck in the hairs on Jason Statham's ass in the butt shot. How did they miss
that opportunity? Was there something Jason actually said "No"
to? Afraid to say it but, I think so, and I don't
want to know what it was. Even the 8-10 year olds in the audience—
yeah, that's right, kids brought in by their fathers, no doubt without their ex-wives' permission
or knowledge—commented at the end that the movie was bad.
I saw it because despite the totally gratuitous and tacky sex in the first one,
and the expectation that the second one would only be worse, I
thought the direction in the first one had a really cool look.
The choppy sequences, the odd camera angles, the frenzied
editing, it all worked and added to the 'cranked-up' feeling.
I wish I could say the same for this sequel. They tried too
hard; too many shots together, not delivering the intended
impact. Like a pretty piece of colorful something that
catches your eye as you pass a garbage can, you pick it up with
great expectation, but, on close examination, yeah, it's just
trash.
• GAMER
(4
Sep 2009)
This movie failed for me because HOW Kable plays the game to
make it out was missing. That should have been the most
interesting thing about bringing a game to life. Instead, it
seems like they tried to balance, or justify, the blood-and-guts
with a family angle. Nobody cares about him having a family.
Nobody goes to a movie like Gamer to get their heartstrings
tugged. The tits and ass for horny teenagers was all gratuitous.
The society/ media/ family/ villan/ underground organization/
spoiled kid story line, plus having 2 games, took away from the
experience of the combat game. Gerard Butler just looked the
part—that was all he brought to it. It failed to deliver any
real tension or excitement. In games you have a goal in
mind. It was never set up so that you knew where he was going
(point A to point B)
and what he was up against to get there, nor where the
boundaries were on the 'playing field' (so you had some idea if escape was even
possible), nor what was outside wherever this was. This should
have been an important element so you could gauge his
effort/progress. Of course people will try to escape. What's
involved? The movie failed miserably to deliver tension in the
actual playing of the game. Puking and pissing alcohol just to
drive a truck?! That was the best you could do? Big ending.
He
wrecked the two enormous plows but never got to drive one! The
only salvation was that the combat scenes looked gritty/cool, and the
final fight scene (which was a strange West Side Story homage musical number) where
Kable was outnumbered but managed to defeat everyone was bone-crackingly
good, Steven Seagal style. The rest sucked.
• The MARINE
(13
Oct 2006)
As action movies starring wrestlers go, this one was a huge disappointment. I almost walked out, it was so boring. It was three explosions and
John Cena walking funny.
That's it. "Stone Cold" Steve Austin's
movie The
Condemned that went straight to DVD was leagues better.
That's how bad The Marine was.
More to come: Event Horizon, Predator
2, DOOM . . .
• TRON: Legacy
(20 Dec 2010)
The best thing about this movie was how much Garrett Hedlund's voice sounded
like
Robbie Robertson. I found it hard to stay awake and thought it
had no tension. It was so slow I wanted to get out of my chair
and push things along.
Kinda like this. It
was too staged, too theatrical. The character of Flynn was so laid
back (insert your own "Dude" joke here), he was doing yoga. Yeah.
Zen like. Fro-zen.
From the first movie: "The ultimate tool" LMAO
From this movie: "Let's split, dude."
