So much good and bad
in one action movie. I loved it and hated it. Let's start with:
for Action Movie Freaks
ruthless knife work, makeshift weapons, and love of the blade
• The number of machetes in the movie and
how often it was used • The triple
beheading •The high-velocity blood
splatter • The machete through the
squad car seat (seen that before . . .)
machete through the front door into the mouth and out the back of
the head (seen that too) • Seeing the guy still stuck there on
the front porch later (still laughed) • Some of the quotes "It's not safe
for you to be here." "I'm not looking for safe."
• "Jefe . . . " "This is the
boss." (hold up his machete) • The payoff on things like 60 ft. of
intestines and the corkscrew
• The missile launcher on the hood of a
car • The fun they had with
street vendor with his little food cart at the back of the army of
Mexicans in the final showdown
Mexicans-as-yard-workers jokes with Moron # 1 and Moron #2
- And later when
Moron #3 and Moron #4 joined them:
"I don't want to hear that story ever again." (LOL seriously
delivery of that line)
fact that they had not only the Action Movie standard Morons 1 and 2,
but also 3 and 4!
of the Vicente Fernandez Llorar y Llorar song "El Rey"
- The cars! Aaah the
hydraulics, lowriders, the artwork, the chop shop, etc.
- The use of lawn tools as
weapons, nail gun, shovel, weed wacker
- Machete 'fighting' (ducking) while eating a taco
- All the Mexican jokes to
the point where I wondered if Mexicans were offended
(Maybe I should ask George Lopez! Anyone laughing besides me?) • They
brought the Planet Terror shot (below) and the motorcyle/tommy
gun/explosion shots to life I loved how the ending was silent. Just the power of the
blade held up. That was perfect!
For Guys A movie with that many beautiful women is sure to be a hit.
Heterosexual men aren't going to complain, so why am I, as a woman?
So many reasons. Here goes . . .
The nurses. This movie will doubtless create lots of
Halloween costumes for stupid girls who want to dress that way. Yet,
I loved the nurses. I loved their grab-a-gun-and-start shooting
spirit. Why couldn't they be dressed a little less like objects? So
that no guy fantasy stereotype goes unmissed here. (THERE IS A
MARKET for Action Movies with physically strong women, and not just all bimbos
all the time, that's not being produced. Sure hope I get to prove
that. But these moviemakers are not interested that, so back to the
chick parade . . . )
The pretty little 5' 2" Mayra Leal"Chica
(Naked Girl)"giving it all away at the beginning of the movie.
(Let her wonder later why in real life no one wants to marry her.
Her and poor poor Kim Kardashian. Hope this is not a trend like in the
horror movie My
Bloody Valentine 3D and maybe others I didn't see—so unfair with
no reciprocal gratuitous male nudity. Keeping women down. Feminist
pulpit here but . . . you know the rest.) They shoot her 7 minutes
later. Just another brazenly naked slut (she refuses to put
clothes on) who cuts the guy who risked his life and got his partner
killed trying to rescue her. Before getting shot, she phones in that
she has taken down Machete. With some pretty loud sound effects, she
reaches in and pulls a cell phone out of her vagina. Wonder why they
didn't just have it dripping with something that resembles Alien goo
or make a fish joke? Think that would
have been too much? How do they tell? It would seem more misogynistic if it
wasn't so true to life (Paris Hilton and her hiding place for
cocaine). Girl Gone Wild deserves what she gets? That's sad. They
end up shooting the undeserving (of being rescued) bitch, still
naked. Nice mixed messages. What was the point? Oh yeah, to lure a
hero cop to rescue a girl nobody else cares about, and to use the
line "If not us, then who?" (will rescue her) so
we could hear the line again at the end of the movie because all really good
movies start and end at the same place, and this is a really good
movie, right? Not.
Women. I feel the same way about scrawny men (Anti-Scrawny
) and I don't mind weak beautiful women in
Action Movies (it's
expected since it's a man's game), but not these kind of women in
leading action roles (written about that before too:
Red Over Sonja). The scene where Jessica Alba talks to
Michelle Rodriguez and they exchange cop/suspect banter was just
weird. (I kept picturing how different the dialogue would have
sounded and the scene would have been with two men.) I expected one
of these two to suddenly blurt out "Oh my God you're such a bitch!"
or "I love your hair!" But I know, it's all about the fantasy for
Michelle Rodriguez's role isa bit of a saint with an
attitude. She often looks like she just smelled something really
stink—you, and can't wait to be somewhere else. She's cornered the
market on disdain. She seems to be in roles where she's always in a
bad mood, so when she's normal or nice it seems like it's temporary
and the bitch will be out any second now. If she was half as bad ass
as she seems to think she is . . . (What? I could take her.)
I've been a big fan since
Blue Crush, but she still seems too slight to handle that
enormous gun at the end. She makes a good show of being tough,
though, as usual.
The outfits were, let's say 'fantasy based' (translation: ridiculous):
Michelle's black leather bra; Jessica Alba's shoes (all of them); but REALLY?—that police bimbette get up at the end when she was driving a cop
car?! So "Mrs. Officer". Make her a cop but she can't have any real
power. But nobody cares about that cause she had a steamy naked
shower scene, and she did a little fighting. Plus, she's Jessica
Alba. Yeah, yeah.
Lindsay Lohan. I guess a nice pair of breasts
will take you a long way in a man's world, but Lindsay Lohan is such
a skank. At what point is a woman too drugged out and used up to
counteract a nice body and a decent face? Men will fuck anything. It
seemed to me like she was high in all scenes not just the scenes
where she was supposed to be acting like she was high. How sad for
her that this role mirrors her real life. It had the same feel as when
used celebrities to make fun of themselves in Celebrity. Why
would you take that role? If only the audience thought the Directors
were as clever as they thought they were. (Lindsay's got everything
in the world, what's she self medicating to get away from? Probably
her father abused her. How sad would that be, and then how sad and
creepy and not funny is it that they try to make the character of
her father, Booth, desire her?
"I ♥ April" is his password). Machete is a stud with the
women throwing themselves at him. He finds himself (happy
coincidence: on camera) naked in a swimming pool and kissing
(assumed having sex) with April and her mother (Booth, the guy who
set him up's daughter and wife). A guy's ultimate revenge fantasy.
This also seemed so much like a comment on Lindsay and her real life
mother(the apple not falling far from the tree). And she was
okay with all that?
Shooting from the hip: This film comes across as a little too
artistically self-indulgent and trying too hard to be cool. Why do I
say that? Everything FOR GUYS above and, here goes:
"Robert Rodriguez's Machete" (There were 2 directors. .
• The literal and figurative
shots at religion
They crossed too many lines for me in the name of "art" and not to
good effect, and they copied shamelessly.
Stanley Kubrik is giving a thumbs down from above on the use of
"Ave Maria" when they were shooting up the church. It really didn't
have the impact that Clockwork Orange did using the
juxtaposition of benign music to
evoke shock that violence and sex are like nothing to the
thugs in Kubrick's masterpiece. You can't do that again and not have
it look like copying. Were we supposed to be shocked that they would
show assassins shooting up a church and a priest with shotguns
fighting back to music we normally think of as being sung in an
angelic little boy's voice?
"God has mercy. I don't."
used that line ("God would have mercy, he won't")
to way better effect by having it be said about someone, not
by someone, and a priest, at that.
Blasphemy or Art?
All the religious things must have been off-the-charts offensive to
Catholics. Seeing them shoot up a church, having a priest (in
clerical clothing) committing murder inside the church (and he was
videotaping confessions), crucifying the priest inside the church,
making a crack about the "blood of Christ" when drinking the wine?
"Your own personal Jesus." What was the point in the movie if not
just for sensationalism? Kubrick used the music to show us what the
characters were doing meant nothing to them. In Machete, are we
supposed to think that the racist politician and his henchmen have
so much hatred for immigrants that they hate Catholicism too or that
have no respect for a church? And then is this supposed to make us
want to see them dead because they did these outrageous things? That
all this is not even surprising to me just shows how desensitized we
have become. It was more like, oh he did not go there! What is
surprising is that the movie makers would use this just to try to
get a reaction, or think they're taking artistic license.
Reminds me of
Piss Christ. Shock us for a worthwhile point but be
original. Objectionable does not equal outrageous does not equal
put Lindsay Lohan in a nun's habit. Really? I'd be hard
pressed to come up with something that makes more of a TOTAL mockery
of religion. Maybe it's this licking the gun image. Maybe it's
when she delivers the line "In the name of my father" when
she shoots Robert De Niro. She's so amused by this she smirks a
little. Couldn't she stay in character? They had fun with it and
probably at her expense, not that it bothered either of them. I
don't know who was more pleased with themselves, her or the
filmmakers. That shouldn't show.
Plot Torres (Steven Seagal) is a drug lord who wants to drive up prices by
reducing the supply of drugs and therefore increasing the demand, so
he wants to close the border by building a wall so he can control
the flow of drugs through it at various points. (They're his drugs,
can't he just set the price he wants and sell less to the same
effect? But then how would they work in the wall?)
Getting the plan to build the wall approved by hate mongering to
racists is redneck Senator McLaughlin (De Niro) and his henchmen
Booth (Jeff Fahey) and Lt. Von Jackson (Don Johnson).
Their sole purpose is to make us hate corrupt politicians, their
cronies, and border patrols.
Machete hates Torres because Torres tried to buy Machete when he was
a Federale, but Machete wouldn't be bought so Torres killed his wife
to control him. Then we cut to Machete as a day laborer with no
money who can't pay for his own lunch. What did the police force do?
Kick him off? I must have missed something there.
above-the-line opening scene sets up Machete as the Super Cop
who seeks revenge because they killed his wife and daughter?
I don't know what happened to his daughter. They seemed to leave it
as if he had to do what the Drug Lord wanted or what happened to his
wife (beheading) would happen to his daughter. The daughter was
never mentioned again and I kept thinking Michelle Rodriguez would
turn out to be his
daughter, until they implied they had sex, and then I thought maybe
it's going to turn out to be Jessica Alba, until the end when they
became a couple and kissed and rode off into the sunset together.
Again, what'd I miss?
Booth cooks up a plan to set up Machete for
attempting to assassinate the Senator so people will hate 'the
Mexican' who tried to kill the Senator. But the plan is the Senator will only be
wounded thereby garnering support for the Senator's platform of hate
and building the wall. Machete suspects it's a set up but is
forced into it, and is nicked instead of killed by the real shooter
(just before the real shooter takes a pot shot just to
wound the Senator). Wounded, Machete gets away. "Luz" aka "Shé" is a
Taco Truck owner who helps illegal Mexicans across the border. Shé
and Machete are the people's champions against the corrupt and
racist white men. Machete has a brother who is a priest, but who will
kill for him and for the cause. Shé has weapons and a "network" of
supporters, and underground army who is galvanized into action when
they think Don Johnson has killed her. Truth is she is alive and has
just lost an eye so we can have the black bikini top, eye-patch
outfit. And why an eye patch is 'sexy' I don't even want to think
Apparently Machete isn't easy to kill, so Booth has a backup plan
and hires an assassin. The assassin appeared way too long after they
told you about him. Why the long gap? You almost forgot who he was
and what he looked like. I can't even remember what happened to him,
because apparently he doesn't go on his own jobs. He sent his
henchmen to shoot up the church. I didn't realize he wasn't among
the dead until they cut back to Booth, and he was with him.
Jessica Alba is
the INS Agent (ICE) with a heart of gold who "does what is
turning in the evidence of corruption to
"Exactamundo" (har har) so the Senator is exposed and makes a
run for it, which gets the people up in arms so they start a
revolution. Wait, weren't they starting the revolution because of
Shé getting shot? I can't remember. Alba's motivational speech at
the end should have been in Spanish. The beginning was in Spanish.
That it was in English made no sense (unless she doesn't speak
Oh yeah, back to Michelle Rodriguez. Shé opens her secret hideaway
warehouse with weapons and a bulletin board with the identities of all the illegals she has helped in plain view of the street where Jessica
Alba can see her from her car. So hard to find! Then
she shows her everything. An INS agent. That's right. So when the
border patrol shows up later, even though Shé says she is expecting
a war, she's standing out front, door open, no weapon, alone, so Don
Johnson can just walk up to her and shoot her point blank in the
face. If she's that careless and stupid, how did she manage to do what she did as long as she did it?
The movie makes all the jokes about illegals and
how we don't want them but they keep the economy going.
made all these observations and better jokes.
an action movie and the buffest guy was an extra in the 'redneck'
crowd at the end of the movie but he looked really gay (sorry
whoever you are—you might have been selling biceps in that brown wifebeater but you weren't selling "tough",
and gay, no matter how
buff, just ain't tough to heterosexual women). All we got was Danny
Trejo. Even the young characters Frick and Frack (not their names) seemed gay. You know, the court reporter and the
(And what was with the extras? Was it just me or was it a
strange looking assortment of people?)
I really like Danny Trejo, but he seemed uncomfortable in this role,
even when kissing Jessica Alba, but I'm glad that someone would try to put him
in a major role.
Seagal Yes, I am holding using Steven Seagal against them. He's an
action movie legend and I intend to keep liking him despite the crap I've heard
about his personal life (unlike Mel Gibson who I am tired of). So for me they
desecrated an Action Movie Legend (or let him desecrate himself. He's
already done that in real life to no end). Where do
I start? Steven Seagal had WAY too much fun with the word "puñeta". It got
comical. And what was he wearing? A Dr. Evil-o jacket ("just make it brown")?
Did Seagal talk Robert Rodriguez into letting him take a machete to the gut like
nothing, and then just stand there cause he's too old and tired to fall down? He
stood there talking for 10 minutes before he tried to out bad ass Machete by
turning it into hara-kiri—Was that Seagal's idea or theirs? A bad one. Then he
couldn't keel over from a kneeling position without putting an arm out to catch
himself. It was sad. I thought he looked like he was going to have a heart
attack any minute. I loved him right up until about the 8th time he said puñeta
and then it just got ridiculous for me, and the sword fight was sad or they
edited it very poorly (or worse very well). I so wanted to see the old Seagal
kick some ass but when the finale came and it was Seagal vs. Trejo I was
thinking . . .
This is what action movies have come to? Between the aging
cast of The Expendables
these two, makes you wonder what the younger men are doing? Trejo is still
kicking ass at 66, Seagal is only 59. I just can't stand to see the once
kick-ass Seagal like this (or in "Lawman"). Unless he has health issues, what's
his excuse for not being in shape but still trying to be an action hero?
Not much beefcake for us girls, but lots of
pretty pretty bloody naked trash FOR GUYS. But that is what they
were shooting for, so, kudos! This type of movie is so much the Pulp Fiction mode, both
copying earlier material and aiming low, taking the juicy bits and magnifying
them in reverential mockery. Where it used to be the bits I could ignore and
still maybe enjoy a movie, with this sensationalist subgenre (Grindhouse) now it's all in my
face. No, I don't like this type of action movie. It's for men only
and has too many negative consequences in the real-life negative treatment
of women.I'm sick and tired of seeing women allowing themselves to be objectified.
When men start turning up sexually abused, naked, dead, and dumped somewhere in
the record numbers that women are, maybe we'll finally have equality. No, wait,
that won't happen until men are also naked and dead on film. It will happen. See
how you like it then. Just a matter of time. Watch me do it. I don't wish I hadn't seen
this movie. I enjoyed it as much as I could, but I doubt I would ever watch it
again (because I have a brain).
(getting off the soapbox)
New movies from The Rock
better be damn good to make up for some of this